On Tuesday, over a year after the tragic Covenant School shooting in Nashville, the Tennessee Star and Editor-in-Chief Michael Patrick Leahy released 90 pages of writings by Audrey Hale. These writings, dated between January and March 2023, were made in the lead-up to the March 27, 2023 shooting, in which three 9-year-old children and three staff members were killed. Hale was fatally shot by police during the incident.
The Tennessee Star stated that the journal was legally obtained in June 2024 from a source familiar with the investigation. The writings, recovered from Hale’s vehicle by the Metro Nashville Police Department, were found alongside a spiral-bound notebook after the shooting.
The journal, a red notebook with lined pages, had “Aiden” written on the cover, the name Hale, who identified as transgender, used. The writings start with the words “Darkness” and “Everything hurts” on the inside cover, and the first page reads, “Why does my brain not work right?? Cause I was born wrong.” Other early entries include, “Nothing on Earth can save me,” “Never-ending pain,” and “Religion won’t save me,” along with sketches of broken hearts and repeated references to a person or idea abbreviated as “P.A.P.” Hale often wrote about feeling suicidal.
One entry features the phrases, “No brown girls, no love,” and “brown love is the most beautiful kind.” Another entry states, “Audrey is not my name but when you say it I am just as the little 1 I was back then. I can be a kid again with you alongside you even if I can’t really be w/ you.”
A January 16, 2023 entry reads, “I’m so sorry Nikki. I didn’t mean to plan my massacre on the 17th. I’m going to be a terrible sh*t for leaving you. How bad my heart hurts. Tomorrow is my last day on Earth. I love you. I am so sorry,” followed by “Aiden” in parentheses. A note added on the following day says, “PS – Not leaving yet. I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to ruin your day. I’ll wait as planned.”
After abandoning plans for a January 17 attack, Hale wrote about scheduling the massacre for a different date, with notes indicating a preference for a date with “27” or “17” in it. “I want to do it in February,” Hale wrote, suggesting the date 2/17/23 and noting, “no birthdays on that day.”
Several entries contain troubling and explicit content, including descriptions of sexual fantasies involving an imaginary penis, and frustration about Hale’s gender identity. In one entry, Hale wrote, “I swear to God I am a male,” lamenting being “born this way.” Hale also expressed deep resentment toward their conservative upbringing, specifically their parents’ refusal to support gender-affirming care, stating, “Children who were able to successfully take puberty blockers and never enter a torchured (sic) puberty, those little fggots don’t know how good they fcking have it.”
The writings also include anger towards Hale’s parents and the broader societal and political landscape. Multiple pages contain the phrase “white nothingness” and express disdain for society and politics.
Hale’s writings also mention a fixation on becoming “infamous.” In an entry from March 2, 2023, Hale wrote about a “brown girl” who would “live a legend,” while Hale aimed to “die a shooter — hopefully to become infamous.”
In the days leading up to the attack, Hale wrote about wanting the massacre to end in a way that “Eric + Dyland would be proud of,” referring to the Columbine High School shooters.
On the day of the shooting, March 27, 2023, Hale’s final entry reads, “The day has finally come! I can’t believe its [sic] here. Don’t know how I was able to get this far, but here I am. I’m a little nervous but excited too. Been excited for the past 2 weeks.” Hale continued, “I hope my victims aren’t.”